Just yesterday a parent told me that a friend’s 11 year old child committed suicide. Hung himself. It’s hard for most of us to believe that an 11 year old would commit suicide. But when we see sobering stats from The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) it makes it more believable. “Suicide is the third leading cause of death for youth between the ages of 10 and 24, and results in approximately 4,600 lives lost each year.” So what took this 11 year old over the brink? It seems that he was being cyber bullied and also bullied in the traditional way. He was getting some rah-rah self-confidence training at a nearby youth club where all the ‘right’ things were being talked about on how to handle bullying, but yet, he still killed himself.
An 11 year-old should be smiling and enjoying the cool wonders of life not shaking in anticipation of being bullied. When bullying continues, children can wither on the vine, become shy, withdrawn, twisted or even kill themselves.
Another governmental agency, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services manages a website called stopbullying.gov Their advice to kids being bullied is as follows:
- Look at the kid bullying you and tell him or her to stop in a calm, clear voice. You can also try to laugh it off. This works best if joking is easy for you. It could catch the kid bullying you off guard.
- If speaking up seems too hard or not safe, walk away and stay away. Don’t fight back. Find an adult to stop the bullying on the spot.
Some sound advice indeed but quite concerning to me when I hear, “Don’t fight back.” If a child can laugh off a bully’s attempt to gain shock and fear from them, all is fine and good. And finding an adult to stop bullying is also good—if one can be found and found again and yet again to stop continuous bulling. Sometimes an adult stopping a bully’s behavior doesn’t work on a long time basis. I’ve witnessed it. And the advice of not fighting back is too general to say the least.
I’ve written many articles on bullying throughout the years and sometimes it seems as if I’m pretty much saying the same thing over and over and giving the same advice. But I’m reminded of the fact that there have been tons of diet books published throughout the ages and while some of them have had ground breaking new ways to lose weight, most of them talk about the same old reliable way to cut pounds which is eating less and moving more. It is the basic yet tried and true way of weight loss and the same holds true for bullying.
My martial arts school, ‘The Mayfield Academy of Self-Defense’ is the oldest continuous martial arts school in Ohio. Throughout the years, we’ve taught many third generation children self-defense. This means we’ve trained children’s mothers or fathers and also their mothers or fathers. And do you want to know why parents and grandparents bring their offspring to our school? Bullying. Back in the day they came to our school to learn how to stop their bullying or to learn how to handle bullying it if it were to happen to them. What they learned worked. Now they want their loved ones to know the same thing.
Kids aren’t made by a cookie cutter and they’re not all the same. Some have different challenges in how to handle bullying but the vast majority fall into the same way of what they should do. And that same way breaks down to four basic steps.
- Try to avoid it.
- Tell an adult if it’s about to happen or is happening.
- Warn the bully that you won’t take any more bullying and that you’ll hurt them if they continue.
- If after trying numbers 1, 2 and 3 and someone is still bullying, strike them in the midsection or the face.
Some people reading number four will be taken aback saying that it’s too violent and there are other ways to handle bullying. However, some parents who were bullied themselves or have children who have been bullied, to no avail, will understand.
Just recently, two pre-teen girls from our school handled their respective bullies by getting physical. One girl kicked an older, long-time bullying boy, twice. In the other case, another girl used three knee strikes to a boy’s midsection who had mentally and physically bullied her for two years. Both boys got thumped and will never bully these girls again. They’ll probably never bully anyone else either.
What Works in the real world?
Bullying can cause emotional distress, lifelong hang ups, physical injury and suicide. It’s serious stuff and can’t be allowed to continue. Some will say violence is not the way to handle bullying but I’ve seen bullying occur for decades and watched what works to stop it. In the majority of cases the threat of force or force itself is simply the best way to stop bullying.
Dan Bralliar is the Chief Instructor at Mayfield Academy and teaches children regularly. He gets right to the point when he talks about getting physical on someone who is hurting or frightening them. “If someone is making you miserable, put them in their place.” The fact is that much of bullying self-defense gets down to making it clear to the bully that he or she is going to get a physical hurting if they keep up their behavior, or, in some cases, actually giving them physical consequences.
I have a problem with those caretakers who rely too much on as I call them, rah-rah lessons in self-confidence or even self-defense. I want to see meat on the bone not cutesy talk that does little and in some cases hurts more than helps. I also have a problem with those who hate violence so much that they feel there must be better ways to handle the brutes of the world that they give poor advice to kids. Almost like using a child in a sort of pie in the sky experiment that SHOULD work. Kids’ lives matter too much to be tinkered with.
Bullying is ugly and sometimes, so is the solution.
Steve’s latest book: https://www.amazon.com/Protect-Simple-Childrens-Safety-Survival-ebook/dp/B01FENUW4G
Steve's a three-time survivor of violence in his youth, a former police supervisor and a graduate of The Police Executive Leadership College (PELC) and was also an award winning part-time college Criminal Justice instructor.
For several years, Steve did written and radio political and current event commentary and was the former host of the long running 'The Kovacs Perspective' Internet radio and TV talk show.
Steve presently owns a small businesses in Ohio--The Mayfield Academy of Self-Defense.
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